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"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. We're all made here. I'm mad, you're mad."
"How do you know that I am mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the cat. "Or you wouldn't have come here."
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| There are moments when you feel irrevocably lonely. Yes, you are
surrounded by people and yes, you are laughing or exhibiting all signs
of enjoyment while dutifully playing the part of the host, hostess or
guest. And yes, sometimes even, you are having fun and you allow
yourself to be swept up in the moment, so to speak.
But when the last guest leaves and the mess is all the evidence of
human interaction that you have, or when the door slams behind you and
all you face is the blackness of the night, it is odd that you feel
emptier than ever. Hollowed out. A husk.
All you can do is push that feeling aside and pick up the pieces, take
that step toward home. When the work is done and you turn the key, you
return to yourself and chasm that seems to gape at your feet. All the
while, you know that it's somewhere deep in your chest. Something you
can't really explain, or even want to put words to. Ignored, misunderstood, betrayed,
lost, forgotten, unappreciated, or just plain alone: whatever.
Morning comes, and you put on that brave smile you tailored and know so
well. And you walk into the day, knowing that this will happen again
and you will have to keep yourself busy until it catches up to you then.
*
*
*
On another note: If we had a happy button, and everytime we pressed the
button, we would not only be happy, but increase the level of happiness
each time we press it. Would we do anything but press the button until
we died? To this I replied, aren't there moments where you are sad and
you recognize that you're sad but you don't mind? Now that opened up a
whole new can of worms.
*
*
*
Oh, and
simply beautiful...
http://216.35.221.77/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7000935
Don't you hate it when people catch a whiff of something fantastic in
the air, and they flock to it but they neither understand it or really
care? categorizations of ridiculous simplicity, like "it's scary" mock
the creative beauty of it.
| | |
| The best scrabble game I've ever played...
Eukinator: 148
LisaBisaBoBisa: 129
The Jing Dynasty: 235
Quote of the Night: "I am the schistosity."
Hurries, Feral/Fig = my best scoring words
Things to remember:
Roomie's DC Allergies
ZIP-BONG
oh, lisa euki kendra
JOSEPHINE... IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE...!
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| It's the second week I've been in Seattle and it feels like it's been
an eternity. It wasn't like this before. But now sometimes I catch
myself looking out from my prison-cell of a desk at the more-than drab
sky, wishing more than anything that I could wake up at noon, in my
bed, surrouded by the banalities that so frustrate me when I'm home. I
don't know whether I miss home because I can be as
indolent as I please or because I miss the people or because I miss the
familiar grind of boredom that characterizes home. I think it must be a
combination of the three.
I am applying to the Honors program at the Jackson School. I have been
debating whether I should or not since my freshman year and I've
decided. I will still double-major in Political Science (it is still
open for Theory or General). I have also been working as a Writing
Consultant in the Odegaard Writing Center. Yeah, I know: Writing
Consultant (if you're interested: https://depts.washington.edu/owrc/OurStaff.html). Sounds so formal. I'm joining Law Club, looking into MUN at
last and maintaining what I would call passive-noninvolvement in CSA.
Still waiting to hear back about that mentorship with the Admissions
Office and about my tutee for the Language-Exchange Program.
Two 400-level International Studies classes and second-year Heritage
Chinese is not that fun, but I think I will enjoy Comparative Law and
Courts the most this quarter.
Among the things that entertain me thus far:
-Getting waved at by strangers (drive-by jock, "good afternoon, miss" guy)
-Being recognized and appreciated by my Comp Law professor
-Seeing random people from the years before in unexpected places
-Helping ESL kids at the Writing Center, working with kids from the Language-Exchange
-Living with my girls
-Meeting new people
-Getting texted about good books
Things I do NOT enjoy:
-A disjointed course
-Police who don't give warnings
-Unnecessary drama
-The weather
This quarter I hope to:
-Be involved on campus
-Get good grades
-Prevent myself from burning out
-Deciding between an internship in DC or in China
I miss:
-DC
-Friends from home
-The beach/the sun
This winter break I will:
-Be in Hawaii for a week or so
-Spend New Years in San Jose
Now that I've procrastinated long enough...
I give you Jack Vettriano, ladies and gentlemen.
The Singing Butler
Round Midnight
Night Geometry
Temptress
The Embrace of the Spider
Pincer Movement
Game On
Cocktails and Broken Hearts
Only the Deepest Red
Yesterday's Dreams
Sweet Bird of Youth
Dressed to Kill
Long Time Gone
Dance Me to the End of Love
[edit]
I had this dream where I was in grad
school/law school. I simply knew I was older; it wasn't conscious
though. I had just taken the Bar or some such future-determining thing
and I got a call from my best friend in law/grad school (who does not
exist in my current reality) to go to a party with her. Another of our
homegirls and I got ready to meet the first girl there there. My friend
was driving and we were laughing and carefree and excited to be done
with whatever it was we finished. It was raining and dark outside,
bverything was happy and good. Then we hit something. Don't know what.
We started spinning, out of control, dizzyingly fast, violent,
lurching, and the next thing I know, I woke up in a hospital bed.
All white.
I got out of bed. It was dark, night
time. I went to the front desk, but no one was on duty (maybe switching
shifts or attending to something else). I got back on the bed, and
checked my clipboard. Apparently, I had been out for two weeks or
something. Shaken but not entirely convinced by the information, I
called my friend from my hospital bed. I was kneeling as the phone
rang, once, twice. She picked up. "Hello, who is this?"
"What happened?"
"Oh my god, are you okay? When did you wake up???"
"What
happened? wheres *insert name of other friend*"
Shes pauses and says
"I.... *long pause* she... she's dead. She died on impact"
I flipped. Never before, not like this.
I was crying and I couldn't stop,
I couldn't stop repeating it, like some mad, morbid mantra. "Oh my god,
oh my god, she's dead, she's dead..." and it was so mechanical and
mindless and I felt my heart break and pound so fast I couldn't hear
anything, nothing, nothing made sense and there was a buzzing in my
ears, in my head, I could feel it in my teeth and I just couldn't hold
onto the phone so I hung up and I was still kneeling and I was sobbing
my heart out and I felt so broken and then halfway through crying, I
woke up.
My heart was still pounding and my blood was rushing to my head, the
only two indicators, a fading residue of a death I didn't see and a
friend I never loved but a moment that I experienced.
The End.
North Korea. Nuclear. News?
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| Back from DC. I miss it already.
Home. Let's make it worth the trip back, yea? | | |
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